| I need to save all of my blogs from here because I don't want to lose all of these memories. Maybe I'll do that sometime soon. |
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| I moved to blogspot....I wish I can transfer alla that junk onto here, my first. |
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| Imy. Isly. ='(
I'll always wonder what we could have had, but all I can say is that ever since the day we've met, I can't put my finger on a memory of us that I hated. Everything with you was a good thing. Sigh...
I'm feeling so bittersweet right now. My heart needs a break. |
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| My whole life I have been pressured and compared to my cousin, Arielle, who is actually younger than me by only a few weeks. My aunts and uncles, even my parents, are always comparing us with stupid shit like who's prettier, who's smarter, who's a bad girl, who's going to achieve more, who makes them more proud. Fuck! No really, this shit has fucked me up mentally. Have you ever walked into a room knowing that everyone in there is staring at you and judging you and possibly talking about you? Yea, now imagine all of those people are people who share the same blood as you, same fuckin' hair as you, same fuckin' noses and shit. Those people, those people who are supposedly supposed to be my closest relationships are the same fucking people who bring me down. I just don't understand why it is necessary for me to be exactly like my cousin. She is beautiful the way she is. She's incredibly smarter than I am and fuck! This is definitely one of those situations where age does not mean a thing. To be honest, why are you even comparing us in the first place? Shouldn't you love us regardless of who we are and what we've done? It's bullshit that you put us down for being ourselves. I can't live up to your damn expectations and I don't want to either. I chose what I want to do and who I want to be and if there is anyone I want to make proud it is definitely no going to be you guys. My parents are who I care about most and whose opinions actually matter. Unconditional love my ass. I make one mistake and you throw every ounce of the respect you have for me out the window. The last camping trip taught me alot about my family. I learned that when it comes down to the worse, my parents, my cousins, my sister, and my Auntie Lourdes, Lea, and Tess are all that really matter to me. I don't have to prove anything to them to make them love me any more or less, but the rest of the 50 members of my family, go fuck yourselves. I don't need your fake comments, your judgmental attitudes, and your bullshit opinions about me. I am who I am and I am proud of it.
It's funny how after that incident, I hear that all of my cousins backed me up and covered for me. They knew that I did something wrong, but they cared for me anyway. That's love right there. To be honest, I would love to not have these hard feelings toward my family, but foreal, when cousins are too ashamed to come to family parties, afraid that someone would go and tease them about how they look or whatever it is, and I lose contact with them because they dissapear, that's when something is obviously not right. Ever since the death of my Grandma, I rarely see my cousins anymore and camping was one of the greatest times of my life. Not only did I feel like how I used to feel with my cousins, but I grew as a person and found out who my true family is. So bring on the hatred, the stares, and the dirty comments. I'll see you all at grandma's death anniversary party and all I have to say is "Hi haters!"
I LOVE MY COUSINS. <33333
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